Good News, Bad News

The good news is temporarily, I’ll have more time for blogging! And more time for blogging is a good thing? Maybe?

The bad news is I’m withdrawing from college. Yep. I couldn’t hack it. Well, it’s more complicated  then that. I deal with valid health concerns that question if staying here is the best choice when my college is a complete idiot about it. There’s the whole that my life at college resembles the part of Carrie where she doesn’t get to kill people. That, and my college response to the bullying incidents is to tell them they’re my fault for not quietly ignoring them and shrugging it off, and that due to the fact that I keep getting bullied, I’m obviously too emotionally immature for college. (The person who started the bullying did it because her boyfriend was nice to me.)

Although there are reasons to be concerned about my anger issues. But uh, I don’t know why the college refused to take my bullying situation seriously. Is it because we’re adults? Most colleges would have dismissed me already for a bullying situation that at one point caused a mental breakdown. I have to ask, is there a problem with the way colleges are choosing to approach cases of bullying? Remember, the famous suicide case earlier this year WAS a college student harassed by his roommate. After what I’ve been through, I can see why he was driven to suicide. If he sought help, he would have probably faced dismissal, or at least had a black mark on his record for reporting the situation. That is what my college did, and I’m led to believe that’s not different from a lot of colleges.

Even if I can’t help the medical side of things and shouldn’t feel guilty about it, I do. No one talks about how hard leaving college is. They say you failed and leave it at that. But for me personally, it’s been very difficult. As I pack up my things, I come to see all the things my parents did and bought for me so I’d be able to live on my own that I won’t need anymore. I’m saying goodbye to all the people who have supported me here and explaining that I’m leaving. An added punch in the gut, I got a care package from my church, which they send to their students as an added morale boost. And I feel like I’ve let every single one of them down.

I never thought I’d be the person who didn’t make it. I didn’t think it was even an option for me. I got good grades my first semester. I was always one of the smartest people at school. I knew what I wanted to do with myself. There was never any question that I’d get into a good college. The question was what level of higher learning would I reach. Instead, halfway though my freshman year, I’m leaving.

Although I’m not stopping my education here. I’m planning to continue on with community college, as it’s the only place close to home with the program I want–but the program I’d like to do doesn’t start until the fall. So yeah. A lot of free time for a while.

Failure is not a good feeling.

“They are all counting on me to succeed
I am the one who made it out
The one who always made the grade
But maybe I should’ve just stayed home…
When I was a child I stayed wide awake, climbed to the highest place,
on every fire escape, restless to climb

I got every scholarship
Saved every dollar
The first to go to college
How do I tell them why
I’m coming back home
With my eyes on the horizon”

-Just Breathe, “In The Heights”

12 Comments

Filed under Bullying, College Life, Real Life

12 responses to “Good News, Bad News

  1. Taka

    I withdrew from college at the beginning of my sophomore year after getting all A’s during my first year. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had tentatively declared a philosophy major but wasn’t very happy with it. I stopped attending classes and eventually withdrew. I’d not been tremendously interested in attending college in the first place. I’d mostly felt as if that was the typical thing to do after HS. I also believed that’s what my parents wanted to do, but I myself didn’t know what I wanted to do for a future, and so I wasn’t too enthused about going to college.

    I was actually happy to be leaving college. It was mostly because I felt like I was wasting my parents money and that felt way worse than leaving behind this or that. Interestingly enough most of my friend circle eventually withdrew as well either the same year or the next.

    Well I’ve been on a break from it for 4 years now but I’m currently at a community college but hope to transfer to a university this year or the next. Looking back, I probably wasn’t ready to go to college in the first place. Now you mentioned the school blamed you and implied you might not have been emotionally mature or not. I don’t know about your specific case but I think in my case, and probably in a lot of other peoples case, they really aren’t emotionally mature. Not so much that they can or can’t shrug things off but a lot of the cases are people who don’t act like adults. College isn’t supposed to be an extension of high school, it’s not supposed to hold your hand. It expects you to have a degree of autonomy, responsibility, maturity. I feel like a lot of people who enter college (especially for the wrong reasons) lack some of those qualities.

    All that is to preface this question: “I wonder if a psychological evaluation should be included in the application process.” It would screen out both those who are attending college for the wrong reasons, and the people who would take umbrage at the thought of their boyfriend being nice to them. It needn’t be extensive, obviously some university have an interview process that is most likely sufficient.

    It reminds me of when I was going through the motions to be confirmed back when I went to a Catholic grade school. One of the last things they did before the actual confirmation was sit us down and ask us why we wanted to get confirmed. I answered honestly. It would have been so much helpful and wasted less time if the Uni had asked me a similar question.

    • I think you’re totally right. And after spending a year in college, I really question the current idea that everyone is suppose to transition straight away to college, and not wait to go, or as you said, basically an extension of high school.

      I am emotionally immature, but I don’t know if the emotional end is why I was considered unable to stay in college…

      What I didn’t like about the school is they blamed me for ending up bullying. I am emotionally immature in some ways, but compared to my classmates, there are classmates less mature then me as well. At the same time, I feel like they blamed for me being picked on and “If you didn’t do this or that, it wouldn’t be an issue.” Basically, if you don’t just take it or walk away as soon as it happens, you’re too immature to stay in college. But the tormentors gets to stay, with a slap on the hand for misbehaving.

      I’m very charismatic in real life, so I could breeze through the interview, but if they had psychological screenings, I wouldn’t pass. When thanks to the bullying, my tormentor tried to throw me in the Psych Ward. (This chick was…I don’t know. She didn’t want me at school anymore.) I’m fairly messed up, and I know I have PTSD, but when I was screened there, I got an idea of what shape I was in–basically she was shocked I was so far from home because I was in such a fragile mental state.

      And it’s probably because of the fragile mental state that when the harassment got intense, I wasn’t able to cope very well. The reason why I kept getting in trouble is my tormenter lived across the hall and would report me to the RA for crying too loud. And then they’d talk to me, see how distressed I am, tell Student Life I wasn’t stable…

      I was doing better second semester except this chick kept trying to ruin my social life. I stopped trying to make friends and started just finding people to hang around, and they pulled a cruel prank on me, and all in all, I slapped someone.

      Which legally, is way worse then anything they did to me. Sigh.

  2. I’m sorry that you have had such terrible experiences in college. I am also attending a university right now, and am often reminded about all the resources available on campus for students. I think it is rather bull that your school pinned the blame on you. I agree with you in that schools should be taking more precautions when there are cases of reported bullying. They should treat this matter with more delicacy and refrain from taking sides. I hope in the future, whenever you return to school, that you will meet better people and have a wonderful college experience.

    On the other hand, I eagerly await to read more of your posts. I have you subscribed on my Google Reader and have thoroughly enjoyed everything you’ve written so far. Especially the “This movie is too quotable” post. That made my day.

    • Thank you very much. 🙂

      I’m so glad to hear that you’re enjoying reading my posts. Sometimes I wonder if I’m being lame or actually funny, but as long as I make one person laugh, it’s worth it!

  3. I’m very sorry to hear that things didn’t work out with college. But I’m glad you haven’t completely given up on it and are going to try again with community college. I went to community college before transferring and it really helps you make the transition.

    I agree that colleges don’t seem to want to help their students much with bullying and other personal issues. During my first year upon transferring, I was having major issues with loud obnoxious upstairs neighbors at the student housing I was living in and the CR people didn’t want to do anything about it – they wanted me to confront them and solve it myself in a “nicey nice” way, despite the fact that these guys were caught in the act more than once. People don’t realize that even though you’re adult, you could still need help with things like this.

    Anyway, best of luck with whatever comes to you from here on.

    • Well, unless they’re in danger of getting their ass sued, they’re pretty worthless.

      That’s one thing I liked about my favorite RA. He recognized that the Freshman weren’t adults, but in between teens and adults, and went out of the way to help provide support instead of a “Fuck you, you’re grown up deal with it.” feel.

  4. I’m sorry it wasn’t working out for you much at this point in time. Not everyone is supposed to go right from high school directly into college. It doesn’t work that way, even though a lot of what’s out there suggests that everyone should be able to just, BAM, handle it right off the bat.

    I hope things get a lot better for you in the future and you can figure out what you want to do.

  5. QT

    Oof.

    I understand where you’re coming from on the college front. All I’ve got to say is that you shouldn’t give up on getting an education. It can massively improve your opportunities in life.

    If you need to take a year off to get some personal stuff sorted out, that’s totally understandable, but don’t just give up on it, and DON’T think you’re a failure just because one year at one specific college didn’t work out for you.

  6. Yi

    I hope things eventually get better and work out. Cheers, take things slow, take care of yourself, and all the best. ^ ^

  7. Joe

    I was pretty miserable all throughout college. I was terribly depressed and always entertaining thoughts of dropping out, going back to community college, transferring somewhere else… the problem was that I gave too much importance to the idea that I “should” just stick it out and endure it. Why? I don’t know. I didn’t believe that I could be making such decisions for myself. I felt like my parents and my peers had some kind of power over me, and were dictating what I “should” be doing and how I “should” be dealing with it. This was, in hindsight, totally ridiculous. I mention this because I sort of admire you for being able to make such a difficult decision for yourself, one that’s probably filled you with all kinds of doubts about yourself. But at least you’re able to admit to yourself what you want out of life and are able to make tough choices for yourself. I think that’s a sign of maturity, wouldn’t you agree?

    Obviously, not everyone is in the same place emotionally when they head off to college. And not everyone is going to “get there” at the same pace. This was a pretty big bump in the road for you, I’m sure, but you’re still working toward your goals (on your own terms this time) and haven’t given up, so I don’t think things are as bad for you as they might seem (or might have seemed when you sat down to write this 3 weeks ago).

    I know things are tough, but don’t give up. Just from reading your posts on this blog, I’m willing to bet that you’re smarter than 99% of other people your own age, so you’ve obviously got what it takes to be successful in college. It sounds like getting out of that distracting environment was a good move for you, and hopefully it’ll help you get into a better place, both physically and mentally.

    To make it short, don’t beat yourself up over this. I think in the long run it’ll work out for you much better than your previous situation would have.

    • Thanks. And that takes a lot to share your story. Every day things get easier and I think I’m in a better environment, and overall happier. A lot of people may not understand, but I was really struggling with the harassment situation. At the least, I definitely no longer have a codependent relationship with my tv.

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