The good news is temporarily, I’ll have more time for blogging! And more time for blogging is a good thing? Maybe?
The bad news is I’m withdrawing from college. Yep. I couldn’t hack it. Well, it’s more complicated then that. I deal with valid health concerns that question if staying here is the best choice when my college is a complete idiot about it. There’s the whole that my life at college resembles the part of Carrie where she doesn’t get to kill people. That, and my college response to the bullying incidents is to tell them they’re my fault for not quietly ignoring them and shrugging it off, and that due to the fact that I keep getting bullied, I’m obviously too emotionally immature for college. (The person who started the bullying did it because her boyfriend was nice to me.)
Although there are reasons to be concerned about my anger issues. But uh, I don’t know why the college refused to take my bullying situation seriously. Is it because we’re adults? Most colleges would have dismissed me already for a bullying situation that at one point caused a mental breakdown. I have to ask, is there a problem with the way colleges are choosing to approach cases of bullying? Remember, the famous suicide case earlier this year WAS a college student harassed by his roommate. After what I’ve been through, I can see why he was driven to suicide. If he sought help, he would have probably faced dismissal, or at least had a black mark on his record for reporting the situation. That is what my college did, and I’m led to believe that’s not different from a lot of colleges.
Even if I can’t help the medical side of things and shouldn’t feel guilty about it, I do. No one talks about how hard leaving college is. They say you failed and leave it at that. But for me personally, it’s been very difficult. As I pack up my things, I come to see all the things my parents did and bought for me so I’d be able to live on my own that I won’t need anymore. I’m saying goodbye to all the people who have supported me here and explaining that I’m leaving. An added punch in the gut, I got a care package from my church, which they send to their students as an added morale boost. And I feel like I’ve let every single one of them down.
I never thought I’d be the person who didn’t make it. I didn’t think it was even an option for me. I got good grades my first semester. I was always one of the smartest people at school. I knew what I wanted to do with myself. There was never any question that I’d get into a good college. The question was what level of higher learning would I reach. Instead, halfway though my freshman year, I’m leaving.
Although I’m not stopping my education here. I’m planning to continue on with community college, as it’s the only place close to home with the program I want–but the program I’d like to do doesn’t start until the fall. So yeah. A lot of free time for a while.
Failure is not a good feeling.
“They are all counting on me to succeed
I am the one who made it out
The one who always made the grade
But maybe I should’ve just stayed home…
When I was a child I stayed wide awake, climbed to the highest place,
on every fire escape, restless to climb
I got every scholarship
Saved every dollar
The first to go to college
How do I tell them why
I’m coming back home
With my eyes on the horizon”
-Just Breathe, “In The Heights”