I’m not really sure what to say here. I’m sorry I haven’t watched an anime this week, and blogged about it, I feel like I do owe that to my readers. I guess all that I can do is explain what’s going on.
I’m really depressed over what happened at Borderline Hikkomori. Really really depressed.
My former blogmaster hates my guts right now, probably because I announced I was leaving before she could kick me out of the blog instead of I doing what I was suppose to do, begging for pity and forgiveness to let me stay in. That’s all I can guess.
What happened, was CJ decided how we were going to do the blog post, and I told her I didn’t want to do it that way because a) I didn’t feel everyone’s opinion would be represented and b) The way we were doing it would cause me a lot of anxiety and stress, being Obsessive-Complusive. First off, she told me how I was protesting this in a terrible fashion, and she really wanted everyone to participate. I stood my ground. She then told me that she thought I ‘should put my pain aside for the sake of the blog’ I told her ‘I thought she was being close minded about my disorder.’ She then got angry, and refused to talk me, and when I told her ‘I didn’t know what I did wrong.’, she told me that ‘She wouldn’t talk to me until I figured it out, and maybe I should sleep on it.’ Harsher and other words were exchanged of course.
I was freaking out. Majorly. I didn’t know what was wrong, or what was going on, except someone I thought was one of my close friends would not speak to me, except to be mad at me for having a disorder with limitations, standing up for my limitations, and calling her on not being accommodating. I mean, it was just a blog. I was terrified beyond belief. This caused some freaking out over livejournal, facebook status, and even twitter, as I honestly thought I’d wake up to find myself kicked out of the blog with no explanation whatsoever. I also called her 29 times, a mistake on my part, but I was desperate to work this out. And I am OCD. She never picked up.
Later, she told me that she willing to work things out for the sake of the blog, but she was furious that I said anything on twitter, and told me if I posted anything on twitter or the blog, she’d remove me immediately. I, well, snapped. I had not slept in two days more then a total of six hours between the two because I was having such bad panic attacks, and to have this response set me off.
As it was, I’d considered a few times starting my own blog. I was a little tired of the fact CJ was rarely around to be blogmaster, often being too busy for the blog. I wanted to do my own things and go in my own direction. However, she did give me free reign when she wasn’t around. When she returned this time though, things got weird, as she was suddenly being real strict. For example, we weren’t allowed to do anything anime related for 12 days that wasn’t released in the past year, and only what we voted on together as the most popular show would be represented on BH for The New’s Years Post. The reason being, to make things simplier and more streamlined for our readers. This led to really ticking me when she shot down my suggestions, because I felt I knew our readers much better then her. In a way, I’d already made up my mind that unless I had relatively free reign, I wasn’t going to belong there. But being told that I wasn’t allowed to say something on twitter, or the blog, and be punished if I did? That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was done. I even made a post that I was leaving that CJ later deleted–my guess is she wanted it to look like I got kicked out rather then left under my own free will.
Thus came what many people witnessed on twitter.
This, after being friends since Sophomore year of high school. Well, I suppose as Break said “I simply hate people who said they did it all for someone else.’, and I didn’t like her tendency to look down on people, as well as her immaturity. At least, that’s how I try to rationalize it.
But I feel terrible. As if trusting her is a mistake, trusting anyone is a mistake. Just, trying to deal with the pain is hard, made worse by the OCD. It’s like, if I’m miserable, I can atone what I did to CJ. That doesn’t work. If I try not to say anything nasty, I can atone. That doesn’t work either. The guilt just keeps digging away, as my poor brain tries to stop the obsession.
Honestly? I’ve thought about suicide a lot lately, though I don’t think I’d do it. I have a boyfriend(I love you Daniel. I know this is rough, but you’re helping me keep from losing it completely) and a family that loves me very much. Doesn’t stop me thinking about it though, and that really scares me. Beyond words. But if you say you’re thinking about it out loud, that lessens the chances of doing anything to hurt yourself.
I don’t feel like watching anime. I just sleep right now, do homework, and watch 30 Rock. I don’t have energy for anything else.
What really sucks though, is if Carly reads this, and she might, well, this is what she wanted isn’t it, for me to be kicked out of Borderline Hikkomori and miserable. She’ll probably pat herself on the back and do a barrel roll.
I’m not sure what my purpose with this is. It’s absolutely not to sabotage Borderline Hikkomori. Maybe this is my attempt to reach out and say I need help. Maybe this is just a story to act as a warning to anyone who thinks about doing a team blog. Or maybe, just another story of how girls suck, and will turn on you on a moments purpose.
Maybe I should go see that guy in Trapeze and get my vitamin shot. I think I’ll survive though. I think I’ll be okay. Tis just life, after all.